Eight Dates: To keep your relationship happy, thriving and lasting

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Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, written by the Gottman's of the Gottman Institute, is a book about growing, learning about and supporting your romantic partner. The Gottman's look at some of the main sources of conflict and misunderstanding in relationships, and break these categories down into eight dates covering the following: trust and commitment, conflict, sex and intimacy, work and money, family, fun and adventure, growth and spirituality, and finally dreams and aspirations. Each date contains a paragraph to read, with questions to ask and answer for each partner. Welcome to life as the boyfriend of a dating coach. We’ve been dating for the past four years, so he’s used to serving as my guinea pig, helping me test relationship advice and the latest research before I make recommendations to my clients. You connect and fall in love by talking. But what conversations should you have with your partner to know if your love will last—through challenges, surprises, joy, and pain? Much more than a feeling – love is an action. It requires intention and attention, and these require commitment and preparation. Gottman's decades of research have provided insights into and how relationships succeed and fail. That would be enough, but he also shares personal successes and failures with his partner and collaborator, Julie. In other words, the Gottmans are not asking anything of us, that they don't already ask of themselves.

In the end, can you come up with a shared financial goal that meets both of your needs, or perhaps even little goals — milestones — you can work towards together to achieve your ultimate financial goal as a couple/family? During this conversation, you’ll discuss what spirituality means to you, as well as how you’ve evolved (mentally, emotionally and spiritually) throughout the course of your relationship.

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Contrary to common wisdom, 2 out of 3 couples “have a sharp drop in marital satisfaction shortly after a child is born, and this drop gets deeper with each subsequent child.” To avoid this, fathers need to get more involved, and partners need to discuss the family topic as often as possible. Reserve your fifth date to ask each other the following questions: “What does your ideal family look like?”“If you want children, how many children would you like to have?” and “What are the ways in which your parents did or did not appear to maintain their closeness, love, and romance after having children?” Date No. 6: Play with me – fun and adventure I was expecting good things from Eight Dates, and boy did it deliver. The book is divided into eight sections, one for each date. The dates cover eight of the most meaningful, important, and, often, contentious topics that couples deal with: trust and commitment, conflict, sex, money, family, fun and adventure, growth and spirituality, and dreams. Before the dates are introduced, an intro gives characteristics of successful marriages, as well as advice on how to have an intimate conversation and how to listen. Sex and Intimacy. Romantic, intimate rituals of connection keep a relationship happy and passionate. Couples who talk about sex have more sex, but talking about sex is difficult for the majority of couples—it gets easier and more comfortable the more you do it. The eight most important elements of a successful marriage are fidelity, good sex, division of chores, adequate income, good housing, shared religious beliefs, shared interests, and children. John and Julie Gottman have been studying couples for a few decades and researched what are the behaviors that can result either in break-ups or happily ever after. With some adorable examples both from their own life and the couples they studied - they propose a framework for fundamental conversations. The topics range from money, trust, sex, spirituality - where each one of us has a strong perspective and a personal history usually quite different from our partner. These conversation are based on active listening and strong, open ended questions and a bit of preparation before-hand. And a lot of curiosity.

There is SO MUCH interesting info in this book! I know not everyone is going to froth at the mouth over learning how couples interact with each other, but I seriously couldn’t get enough. It’s all so interesting to me, discovering what is “normal” and what actually creates a lasting connection, especially when it doesn’t necessarily match up with what I expected. Some of my favorite insights: On this date, you’ll probe each other about the dreams that are most important to you, and how you can best support one another in fulfilling those goals. It will be fascinating to see how many of your dreams match (as well as differ). Of course, the end-goal for this discussion is to come up with ways to help each other fulfill your greatest aspirations. Hold this date someplace that feels inspiring to each of you — a hilltop at sunset, the beach, on a walk around your favorite area, etc. Then, together, you’ll come up with three new shared rituals for connecting with one another (i.e. weekly game night, taking an exercise class together, cooking a meal together once a week, doing a crossword puzzle together, weekly date night, etc.), and begin to implement them. Hold this date somewhere that feels peaceful, beautiful and spiritual to you both. The Love Lab found that successful relationships have a 20 to 1 ratio of positive to negative in all their everyday interactions in the apartment lab.” Who would enjoy this book?The end-goal of this date is to come up with three tangible ways you can have fun together (or go on adventures) within the next two weeks. The book suggests holding this date somewhere you’ve never been before — make it spontaneous and adventurous! This book is for any couple: those just starting to date, about to get married, or have been in a 20 year marriage. This book is not just about “testing” your alignment across 8 topics. Great relationships are built - and this book can serve as a guide to long-term relationship satisfaction.